You Were Not There
by dyehanna1
Summary: The president is having a melt down, Cyrus is going crazy being Cyrus and Liv is mourning an unexpected loss. A devastating incident might just bring Fitz and Olivia more closer than ever.


In the dead of the night

I closed my eyes and cried for you

I waited and listened for your footsteps

In my mind I heard you Running, running towards me

Coming to my aid

Telling me _I'm here now you'll be just fine_

I have never been the one for waiting

But just this once I waited and waited

And then I opened my eyes

You were not there

* * *

Cyrus thought he was a diva goddess, but his baby…Fitzgerald Grant had been acting like fucking drama queen all day…strutting around in his long strides like a spoilt petulant child; barking out orders at White House aides; he got testy with the media, even terrorized the almighty Millicent in to a corner like a bad little witch. Oh yes Mr. President was having a royal fit..why? That's because his lovely girlfriend took some time off work without any important reason.

He was starving for some attention but not the kind he was getting. He needed to be pampered, he needed to be touched, he needed to be put in his place where his ego would be caressed and chastised at the same time; he needed to be ridden and tamed before he turned into an unbreakable blue-balled wild horse. Olivia Pope would always be good at that but fools and amateurs have surrounded him for the past few weeks. To make things worse, he hadn't gotten laid in almost a month because of the Middle-East tour and G8 plus other meeting he had to attend with world leaders; when he returned three weeks later, he was told that she took some time off. She was nowhere to be found, all attempts to talk to her lead him straight to her voice mail.

Me..me..me. All he could think about were his needs and how much they have been left unattended for a while and how only she could meet those needs.

Cy let out a desperate sigh…Olivia was back and as much as he had tried to talk her into going into the oval office to appease the demon child bastard son of a bitch President Grant, she wasn't having none of it; clearly, she wasn't in a good mood neither.

Cy decided to take his chances and peep through the door of the lion's den. "Mr. President, we started this morning on a wrong foot, let's have a do over. Good morning Mr. President."

"What is so good about the fucking morning asshol-" he was irritated beyond words.

He cut in his sentence. "Olivia is back. She's in her office; she won't come out because she wants to stay away from your tirade."

"She is?" Fitz straightened his tie while sitting. He attempted to prevent his face from forming into a big grin but he could not help it; he was so ecstatic that he simply looked like a cat that just ate the three blind mice for breakfast. Cyrus knew he had struck gold as he noticed a sense of relief and calmness settle on the younger man's countenance. But then he had to break the bad news as well, "She just turned in her resignation notice with immediate effect and I was hoping…."

The wheels in Grant's head were turning; was this what she meant when she had told him that she needed to tell him something life changing when he finishes his travel? The chief of staff had only said a mouth full when he saw the phone on Fitz's table being uprooted from its place and flung across the room with bits and pieces of it scattered on the carpet. He had to nip it in the bud before things got completely out of hand. "I don't care to know what happened between you two before you left but something happened, and just after you left she changed, she would not talk about it but whatever it is that you broke when you left…you need to fix Sir.

* * *

He went to her office and saw her putting her stuff in a big brown box in a hurry. "Livy? What the hell do you think you are doing?"

She ignored him and diligently kept at her task. "I understand that not being intimate with someone for a long time is going to be stressful for you so I have a suggestion. Do you like Jessica, she thinks you're hot. She's not me but she's discreet and she's completely enamored by you. If you like her I can arrange for you guys to-"

He was taken by surprise because the Olivia he knew was possessive; heck, she once threatened to cut his cock off if he ever touched Melly again. He asked in dismay. "You want me to sleep with other women or are you worried about me sleeping with other women cause I'm not?"

She strutted to the wall and began to remove her pictures while he followed her with his eyes. "Jess is a nice girl, she'll do until y-"

"You want me to sleep with other women?" she glanced at him with the corner of her eyes, that told him nothing except that she was trying to hide something.

"I won't be here much longer than I need to be… so yes go ahead, fuck all the White House aides."

He stomped over angrily to where she stood, arms akimbo, "I will ask you one last time..do you want me to sleep with other women or is there an allegation coming from somewhere?" He attempted to pull her into him but she pushed him away, the little he saw of her face told him she was distraught and completely devastated; it softened his building temper.

She began to ramble on her words. "I have been so good at waiting, I have been so good at being patient but I'm knocking on forty, my maternal clock is sticking and I'm running into overtime, I need to start making plans for myself and my future...plans that clearly cannot include you."

"Liv.."

"What is this? Fitz.., we can only run as fast as our shadows and we are not gonna get far and we don't have a future."

He jerked her backwards, turning her around so that she crashed into him, "Tell me to quit and I'll do it."

"Fitz."

"Tell me I mean the world to you and I will leave everything behind and walk into your world."

She turned the table on him, "Tell me you will harbor no bitterness towards me if I asked you to abandon your dream job." She was met by silence. "See? I have to share you with over three hundred million Americans and the world population and to make things worse I have to share you with Melly. I always lose. Why do I always have to lose?"

"You are not a loser, you won't lose me, I'll be always be there." He tilted her head backwards so that they could lock eyes, her eyes were red and swollen, she must have been crying for a long time. He stroked her face with his fingers, "I'll always be there." Those words must have felt like daggers craving away at her flesh because she instantly shrunk away from him.

She covered her teary face with her palms, "That's the point. You were not there." She choked violently. "I woke up and you weren't there and it reminded me that since you weren't mine to take…you were never mine's to keep. I really needed you that night and you were not there. I could not call you nor ask you to come over." Her whole body shivered and trembled in agony. "I have never been so scared and alone in my life. I knew I was losing a part of me and maybe I deserved it because what we are doing is wrong I just never thought that such incident would happen and make me so empty afterwards."

His face instantly got distorted, he felt sad without even understanding what she meant; it felt as if her pain radiated into his soul. He simply grabbed her and embraced her while she wailed on his chest. "Baby tell me what's going on."

"I didn't want you to be distracted at the G8, I was going to wait till you came back before telling you I was pregnant. I did everything the doctor asked me to and now he's gone I didn't know how much I wanted him until I knew he existed then he wasn't there anymore."

"Oh God!" He wept soundlessly, he didn't even know he was crying until his tears began to drip into her hair thereby wetting his jaw. "It was a boy!"

"I named him, I named him Matthew."

"Gift of God, it's a fitting name."

A panic attack took over her already frail body, she bent over in agony so he gently eased her to the floor. They laid side-by-side, holding hands, facing each other for the first time in a long time. "I got up to pee and all I could see…oh god! There was just so much blood, I couldn't stop it, mothers are supposed to protect their children. Maybe this just means that I would have been a bad mom."

"No." He shook his head vehemently, "You did nothing wrong, this was not your fault, you would have been a great mother."

"I don't know what to do, I don't know how to deal with this, my heart hurts so bad. I just want the pain to stop. Make it stop."

"I haven't been here before and I wish I could make it stop but the truth is we will feel like shit for a long time because the pain won't go away Liv. Instead, we'll grow a tougher skin and become somewhat numb to its sting."

"Why don't I feel numb right now?"

"Because you had a plan for the future, a future where you wanted to tell yourself…he is here, my son is here. You saw yourself birthing him, christening him, feeding him, changing him, washing him, clothing him and much more."

"I'll never get to do those things, I'll never get to hold him."

He whispered in a soft and consolatory manner, "But you did all those things in different ways. You held him in your womb; your body nourished him and you kept him warm from the cold world outside. When you touched your stomach, you spoke to him, he understood your voice as a lullaby and it soothed him. The rhythm of your voice became a sweet melody so he took his first steps and danced inside of you." It all suddenly made sense now, she had kept smiling, touching her belly and talking to herself before he travelled. "What did you say to him?"

"I can't."

"Please..I need closure too Liv. He was my child too and even though I didn't get the chance to meet him, I miss him all the same. We need to do this together."

She snuggled closer to him and whispered. "_You are the apple of my eyes. Even in my tainted sinful life, you are the only thing I have done right, purely made out of love and I will lay down my life to keep you safe. I will tear the world down to keep you whole, I will crush a thousand souls to watch you grow and I will break a million hearts to make you happy." _ She closed her eyes and held him even tighter. "Those were the words I said to him but I could not even keep him safe, he's not here anymore Fitz."

"Listen to me, this probably won't make you feel better but I'll say it anyway. He's gone Liv, he's gone. Physically, we will never see him, hold him, and hear him say his first words or watch him take his first steps. We will never get to see him smile nor comfort when when he cries. We won't be able to teach him how to ride a bicycle nor watch him become a man. We will always wonder if he would have had my big heart, my blue eyes, my charm and your brilliance; we would always wish we had more time to know him but that…that is just a wish."

"I know..I'm so sorry maybe if I had told your earlier-"

"Maybes will only make this hurt more; there is no guarantee that anything would have been different. So I'll tell you what's real. This is real, we are real, he was real. He was here, he was yours, mine, and ours. His presence barely lasted but his absence would has left a bleeding wound in our hearts and he will never be forgotten. Livy, because he was our son in life, even in death, he will always be our son to the very end."

"Fitz."

"He may not have a headstone but we will bury in our hearts as a consequence of our recklessness. You don't have to go through this alone when you have me and I don't want to go through this alone because I'm hurting too. My heart is broken too and we should be each others refuge in times of inconsolable sorrow."

"I can't stay here."

"Livy..please."

She spat out her words distressingly, "I can't be here and not think of him. I'll have to see Melly every day, I'll have to see your kids on holidays and be reminded of my failings to carry him to full term. I hate Melly. Not because she's a bitch but because she has everything I want, everything I need. If you died today I'll have nothing just memories and they are not enough Fitzgerald Grant. Memories can be wonderful but they are not enough, I want more, I need more."

For the very first time, he felt like Olivia wasn't a fixer, she was just his Livy, baring her soul to him, showing him her hand, laying all her cards on the table. He understood how vulnerable that must have made her feel. "Do you want me to quit?"

"No. But I want you to ask me to wait for you. I may not have said it before but I love you and I want you to ask me to wait for you because you love me too."

"I love you so much but saying that will make me even more selfish than I have been."

She yelled at him, "So be selfish goddarnit Ask me to wait for you."

"Livy, would you really do it if I asked?"

"You haven't asked me yet."

"Will you stay with me and wait till I finish my first term?"

She smiled through her tears and kissed his jaw. "Yes. I'll wait for you but there's something I need from you too."

"Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"I want a baby Fitz. I want a baby and not just any baby… I want your baby and maybe saying it makes me selfish because you have a wife and kids and you probably don't want the drama attached to having a baby with the other woman but I want you and I want to have your baby because I love you. And if I can't then I cannot be here because I don't think I'll be able to live through this loss."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"You don't want too?"

"You're not the only one with plans, I have plans too. I know our situation is twisted but I want the best for you, I wanna date you, I wanna marry you and there's nothing I want more than to father your children but I just don't want you to have regrets…being tied to me for the rest of your life."

"You are everything I have ever dreamed and much more, I think I can live with that kind of regret. Can't you?"

He knew women ate all sorts of shit when expecting, which made him imagined what it would feel like making ice cream and hot sauce run to satisfy her cravings. He tucked a tyrant strand of hair behind her ear and chuckled, "Alright then, it's settled. We'll make a baby."

They both knew they still had a lot to talk about, a lot to plan, a lot to hide from the rest of the world but the hearts want what the heart wants and their hearts would not be denied.

She tugged his at his shirt to get his full attention, "My mascara is running."

"You're beautiful."

"My face is bloated like a balloon from crying."

"You're beautiful."

"I'm gonna be as fat as pig when you knock me up."

He remembered their sexy tryst before he left. "Now pregnant women are very beautiful and horny." He licked his lips in anticipation, "The things I would do to you and your swollen feet. Noe gimme some sugar" He pecked her on the lips.

She exploded with laughter, "I love."

"I love you too." He answered.

* * *

Cyrus the holy was singing hallelujah hosanna, there was a little bounce to his step, the White House had been quiet for the past half hour, and the president was missing from the oval. He had just dismissed the Ice Queen, Melly after reading her her rights to remain ornamental and not functional, thus preventing her from searching for Fitz. Something told him it was going to be a great day from here on now.

Cyrus strolled to the fixer's office late in the afternoon, the closer he got the louder the almost soft moans and pleasurable whimpers became. He smirked; thanking the rainbow goddess of heavens that the president finally gets to burst a nut, which should calm him down for a while. He didn't care if the leader of the free world had to fuck his mistress into submission he didn't care if he had to hear the sounds of the large couch he had sat on a million times creaking under the weight of the clandestine lovers . As along as she stayed and he remain president, all remained well in his book.

He felt like a pervert listening to them saying I'm so sorry, I love you.. the ahhs, the oh yessss, the fitz, the livy and the sweet baby groans. For the love of his country, he could endure listening to his mentee demanding to be fucked harder and his almost son cursing like a sailor while receiving a blowjob. Heck! For the love of America and her safety, keeping a safe guard by the door so that they can both reach an explosive climax is a small price to pay to keep the administration running.

Cyrus mumbled, "The things I have to do." He shook is head and flung his body on the chair situated by the door; he smiled while rocking his body back and forth. "Thank you Jesus America is safe, we have all been redeemed."

* * *

**Thank you guys for reading; for some reason, I actually cried while writing this because someone close to me had a miscarriage once and no matter how hard I tired to put myself in their shoes, they just won't fit. I hope I did this story some form of justice in trying to explain how they might have felt. While the last one shot I wrote had an opposite effect when Fitz wanted to father a child with Liv, I just thought that if Liv had been the one to ask for a baby, Fitz would have given it to her.**

**In my mind, I think that this type of scenario could have happened between them and while he would have wished that she had told him about the baby, he wouldn't blame her for the loss; he would have comforted her in his own way. I'm not sure how he would do it but hey the story won't leave me alone. Let me know what you think.  
**


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